Archive for May, 2009


Posted in Uncategorized on May 29, 2009 by ritafeldman

It’s amazing how all nasty tendencies are made visible in Bhagavan’s company. I’m am sickened at my social egoic contraction. I am self possessed too often in social situations, armoring myself instead of prfoundly turning to Him. It is frightening, it is not Love.

All that’s left to do is drop the facade and get Real, be Real Love.

You find out tendencies, you drop them immediatly.




Posted in Uncategorized on May 28, 2009 by ritafeldman

I am going to start posting about specific counter egoic disciplines that I’m applying to my particular situation from now on.

I listened to a discourse today that has pushed me to practice more and more and more.

This diet is not about health( although that is an added bonus). It is primarily about turning to Beloved. Offering your food to Beloved, using the discipline of diet, as well as every other discipline not for its own sake, but as a counter egoic practice.

This Way transforms every aspect of egoic life. It is serious tapas; there is no way to take Heaven by storm.

It is about true self forgetfullness and responsive surrender (Turning) to That Which Inherently Transcends ego. No matter what arises. Period. Egoity is fear. Freedom is Love. To settle for anything less than Love is self possessed nonsense.

We are blessed to have the opportunity to do this Sadhana. We must no waste His Most Divine Gift!


Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2009 by ritafeldman

Me meditations have been quite easy lately, and quite ecstatic.

I can’t get His eyes out of my mind, out of my heart.

I have been feeling my heart about to burst all day.

Social relations and talking to people and whatnot has become draining.

All I want to do is be with and my Beloved Lord.

Om Sri Bhagavan Adi Da Samraj

Frustrating the ego

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2009 by ritafeldman

The discourses I’ve been watching the last few days really have been the most serious thing I have ever heard.

Bhagavan was talking about how the whole culture has basically failed to progress beyond the student begginer classification aside from the RSO. Everyone else is mediocre and destroying His gift. Now, that’s a wake up call. He also talked a great bit about how devotees still approach Him incorrectly, and fall into the cult mentality. He is not an ego, and the relationship to Him is not like any other relationship people have. And it IS a relationship, nothing else. I

But this is not a matter of “trying” to surrender or turn the four faculties to Him. If it is not a response to Him, it is just seeking and you are still stuck in the same position.

I’ve felt this frustration of my seeking intensely the last few days. The pinch of self contraction is getting more obvious everyday, which is good of course, but I need to get past that and be firmly established as the witness, prior to all this independent entity BS.

I was listening to a discourse today from the early days, and Bhagavan made a comment about how we need to be disciplined in frustrating the ego before it can seek, to be in that position before all that nonsense can occur. That bit of Wisdom led to one of those “a-ha!” moments, which I’ve been getting more and more of recently.

that video is powerful and infused with Bhagavan’s Divine Love. It really broke my heart.

Om Sri Adi Da Love Ananda Hridayam!


Posted in Uncategorized on May 21, 2009 by ritafeldman

Yesterday, I went over to Neeshee’s house and we listened to the Teaching Manual of Perfect Summaries while meditating. It is about 40 minutes long, and this was the first time I had listened to it.

It was incredibly profound (from the Aletheon) in explaining exactly how we self contract, what it is, and how to stop it. There were various “a-ha!” moments when the Wisdom “clicked” but I had to keep “reminding” myself to keep listening to the recording, to go deeper and deeper. I started to have tunnel vision on the Murti and intense focus of attention would take place. My eyes closed spontaneously several times, and I would have to “snap out of” the bliss of the ascending force and realize that it was all garbage. If not for Beloved’s Wisdom on the matter, I would be very content to just sit there is that pleasurable state, but He is endlessly demanding. The meditation was big event in my practice because it was the first time really that I had prolonged experience of truly turning all four faculties to Bhagavan. Usually they are fleeting, so it was again a reminder of the ordeal that true sadhana is.

I read some of “My Bright Word” today and was blown away by how accurate everything He says is. It applies to everyone. Every possible limitation has been addressed already, so there is absolutely no excuse. There was a linea about how when we were children, we did not merely believe in out mother, we lived with her, no matter what arose. Well, the same applies to living satsang with Beloved. It must be actively lived, the relationship must be real, never avoided.

Every day it becomes easier and easier to turn to Him as my conductivity ripens, but it also becomes apparent that this relationship is going to be tough.

Attention itself must be transcended and refocused, because it is at the level of attention that we self contract.

I feel tremendous gratitude to the Living One, Blessed Be His Name, Bhagavan Adi Da Love Ananda Samraj!

Love of the God Man

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2009 by ritafeldman

I’ve put off making a blog for a while, but I think this is a good time to start.

I just got home from KSPUS, the Russian singer-songwriter festival in Pennsylvnia, followed by a Family Constellation seminar in Washington DC with my mother. I brought Love of the God Man by James Steinberg, The Boundless Self Confession, and Love of the Two Armed form with me on the trip. I was immersed in all three of these books the whole trip. There is just so much information and beatufiul leelas in Love of the God Man that brought me to tears. Beloved Bhagavan is just so beautiful in every way. Love of the Two Armed Form presents such wonderful insights into interpersonal relationships between men and women, and reading this couldn’t have come at a better time.

I realized how weak I have been in my devotion, how easily I fall back into self indulgence, how much I resist surrender, even though I know that it needs to be done. The ego is a powerful force, but for the first time I truly felt what I (and everyone) am dealing with. Usually I just feel my egoic tendencies and whatnot. but this weekend I consistenly felt the knot of self contraction. It is so painful to be cut off! It is a fear based recoil, when there is nothing to fear!

I have realized the folly of my relationship to Beloved through variosu readings as of late. What a blessing that there is such a plethora of information out there about every aspect of the Way of the Heart. It is truly a sacred ordeal that involves great discipline. I notice how much I seek in relation to Beloved, and only when I truly surrender can the relationship truly blossom.

When I got home, I got on the website and immediately felt Beloved’s presence. Even though I was reading and and meditating this weekend, I was still involved in other things and I realized how much I needed “alone time” with Him. I put on a darshan from youtube and surrendered to His divine Giving Blessing and become instatnly filled with Heart Joy and Love for the Heart Master. His perpetual giving always amazes me.

As He often said “you can pay Me now, or you can pay me later!” I am tired of putting of the payment in earnest and have found new enthusiasm and strength for true sadhana in His company.

I found this today:

and it really brings up some great points and insights.

Om Sri Bhagavan Adi Da Samraj

Hello world!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2009 by ritafeldman

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